We all know how hard it is to raise a child in today’s society. It is even harder to raise a teenager. As teens transition into adulthood, they naturally seek autonomy from their parents and seek out new friends, activities, ideas and experiences. In these pursuits, teenagers frequently test the authority of their parents, and sometimes stray into untested and dangerous waters. All teens know intuitively when they are “crossing the line,” but the influence of peer pressure--the need to be accepted by their friends-- is sometimes difficult to resist. 

A key to successfully parenting a teenager is to keep the lines of communication open. Try not to be judgmental and to “listen” to both the verbal and non-verbal clues your teen provides. Know who your teen’s friends are and how your teen is spending his/her recreational time. Involvement in after-school clubs and sports is key to keeping your teen involved in productive and wholesome activities. 

When teens gather at another home, or attend a party, inquire about adult supervision. Be cooperative in providing transportation to your younger teen, and have a contract with your driving teen regarding driving rules, especially drinking and driving. When disciplining your teen, consequences should be reasonable with a goal of gradually reinstating full privileges based upon the teens ability to handle increased levels of freedom. Lastly, establish a “routine” as parents which includes plenty of opportunity to communicate with your teens. 

Parents are sometimes unsure at what point they should seek professional help for their teen and family. The answer is it depends. In general, counseling can be sought any time either party (or family member) would like help in resolving a problem, or getting a fresh “outside” perspective. On the other hand, there are warning signs which indicate professional help is necessary. Some of these so called critical warning signs for teens are as follows: 

- Staying away from home all night without permission; 
- Using alcohol (including beer) or illegal drugs (including pot) on a regular basis;
- Depression (withdrawal, excessive sleep, loss of appetite), or suicidal thoughts, statements or 
  gestures; 
- Having legal difficulties such as an arrest or appearance ticket for vandalism, shoplifting, or assault;
- Truancy from school on a regular basis, failing all or most classes in school, or being suspended
  from  school; 
- Premature and/or unprotected sexual activity; 
- Driving the family automobile without a license or, if licensed, using it without permission;
- Affiliation with a teen gang;
- Frequent or reoccurring angry outbursts;
- Stealing money from a family member or members. 

Children who are in need of immediate intervention commonly exhibit more than one of 
the above behaviors. If your child is engaging in the above behaviors, it is critical that you seek help. It is unlikely that these behaviors will go away by themselves or that discipline (such a “grounding”) will get to the root causes of these behaviors. Integral to the understanding of these behaviors is the affect of what is going on at home, and thus the importance of family participation in counseling. Parents should be especially alert to progress in school. Oftentimes, resistance or failure in school is related to unrecognized learning disabilities. 

A word about suicide. Parents should take any suicidal thoughts, statements or gestures very seriously. Teens have the highest suicide rates of any group in our society. Professional help should be sought immediately.

Most families with health insurance (including commercial coverage, Blue Cross, Medicaid, Child Health Plus, etc.) have some coverage for individual and family counseling, and related services such as substance abuse treatment. This is a good place to start. In addition, many employers and unions have contracted with independent Employee Assistance providers who offer confidential assessment and referral to needed services. 

Don’t forget the importance of the schools. Most school districts employ professional psychologists and social workers who can provide some counseling and make referrals to community agencies and individual practitioners.

Many houses of worship have youth ministries or services specifically designed for teenagers, or if not, they can refer you to needed services in the community.

United Way of Long Island has a large family of participating non-profit community agencies and hospitals which provide a wide range of counseling and  related services to adolescents and families. Most agencies accept insurance and/or have very reasonable sliding fee scales based upon ability to pay. (See the Useful Links... section of our website for a direct link to the United Way website.)

Your local Township, Village or City may have a Youth Bureau or recreation department which provides many services for teens and families. (See the Useful Links... section of our website for direct links to Suffolk & Nassau County websites and links to Town, Village and City websites.)

If your teen has tried and failed at counseling or refuses counseling, and continues to exhibit any of the above critical warning signs, you are entitled as a parent to take out a  PINS (Person In Need of Supervision) Petition to age 18 (note: the school may also take out a PINS Petition, as may any other adult responsible for the welfare and care of a child). 

When applying for the PINS Petition, it is important that you make it clear to the Court personnel that your son/daughter has failed counseling in the past or refuses to go to counseling, and is continuing to engage in self-destructive, dangerous or illegal activities. It is likely that Court personnel will offer you a program known as “PINS Diversion” or referral to another counseling program. You have a right to refuse another voluntary counseling program if you choose, and ask that your case go before a Family Court Judge. If you are having second thoughts about the PINS petition, however, by all means take the referral to another counseling program.

If you insist upon appearing before a Family Court Judge, a date will be scheduled and you and your child will appear. At the Court hearing, if your motion is granted, the Judge commonly mandates counseling for your child and places him/her under the supervision of the Court. This is significant because this sets up some real penalties for non-cooperation, including the possibility of placement in a residential facility.

In cases where the Judge feels that the child is unable to handle living in the community, or the parents feel their child is beyond their control, a residential Diagnostic Assessment may be ordered. LIAFS services may be requested for a residential Diagnostic Assessment, or ultimately, a Long Term group home placement, if the Diagnostic documents need for this service. 

A word of encouragement. It can be difficult for you as a parent to go to Court to get help for your child. As much as you want to get help for your child, you may also have a need to protect your child from Court intervention and possible penalties if your child doesn’t cooperate. We at LIAFS believe that adolescents and families can make changes in their lives and that reconciliation is always possible. We also believe that reconciliation cannot occur if your child is out of control. When other forms of intervention (counseling, etc.) have failed, going to Court is the best way to gain that control.

 - Reviving Ophelia, Mary Pipher, Ph.D., 1994

 - The Shelter of Each Other: Rebuilding Our Families, Mary Pipher, Ph.D. 1996

 - Parents, Teens and Boundaries, How To Draw The Line, Jane Bluestein, Ph.D., 1993

 - Kids Are Worth It, Giving Your Child The Gift of Inner Discipline, Barbara Coloroso, 1994

 - Yes, Your Teen Is Crazy!, Loving Your Kid Without Losing Your Mind, Michael J. Bradley, Ed.D., 2002

 - Teens in Turmoil, A Path to Change for Parents, Adolescents and Their Families, Carol Maxym, 
   Ph.D. and Leslie B. York , M.A., 2000

 - Positive Discipline for Teenagers, Empowering Your Teen and Yourself Through Kind 
  and Firm Parenting, Jane Nelsen, Ed.D., and Lynn Lott, M.A., 2000